Why continually helping leads to disaster... - Amanda Foy

Why continually helping leads to disaster…

So yesterday, after talking to my friend Juli on Skype and seeing the abject distress she was in at the thought of losing her precious dog Cooper because her dickhead of an ex-husband didn’t think to get him immunised, and everything that man brings into their life is chaos and bad things that Juli and her son end up being the ones suffering, I wrote the blog below.  I decided to sit on it over night and not publish it, because I let my human out and was pretty mad knowing the history of how Juli has handled this man in her life and how she has been true to her gift and her beliefs and allowed and allowed and allowed – taking the higher road and all.

Anyway, as often in our relationship, Juli has shown me yet again how her faith in her soul has helped her through a really tough time.  

Don’t get me wrong, the grief and hurt and realisation that his man’s chaos seems to have a life longer than a Portuguese Man of War Jellyfish tentacle – with just as much nasty poison did bring on a verbal explosion that needed to be said, AND the grief also led her to attack herself with the would have, should have, could have dialogue; so she’s not above her human, but the blog she wrote in her morning after a night of sitting up with her dog to ensure he got through the night is nothing short of “When I grow up I want to be Juli”.

So…while my blog is how I communicate and I stand by what I’ve said here, please enjoy Juli’s blog which I will post the link at the end to see how two best friends deal with the same thing and know that we are sharing the most amazing road together.

Why continually helping leads to disaster…

When you live a life that is regarded spiritual, there is a great misconception that you should put others first, to always look with gratitude at your life and where you are more fortunate than others, which then leads to your ability to give to those less fortunate and know that you are doing a good thing.

Yeah…that’s right…but I’m here to say….4th strike you are OUT.

I’m spiritual.  
I believe in God. 
I don’t, however, go to Church and I believe God has no religion.
I am a good person.
I honour others in their journey.

I stay away from judgement as much as I can.
I acknowledge any judgement I have says everything about me.
I don’t set out to hurt others. 
I live in a state of gratitude for everything I have.
I am not shrouded in misery for what I don’t have.

This is where I am at with people taking advantage of souls who will always do their best to help the less fortunate.

You are nasty.

Now….let’s put this into the grounded kind of spirituality I am so fond of…




If you continue to help those less fortunate who are happy to be less fortunate and not live in a state of awareness about what they don’t want in their life and just need a small hand to help them get on that new direction they’ve been longing for, they become like mice who know if they hit the box and run right, then left, then right again they’ll find the cheese.

Nice people who help others listen up!

Set boundaries.  
Set timelines.
Take note of the actions the other is taking.

If they are struggling, then that’s ok, they might fall over once or twice, even three times, but anymore than four and you are just as at fault as they are for what comes into your life.

All you are doing is disempowering the ‘less fortunate’ aka those who are happy living in their misery, by turning up as an option each and every time. They become dependant; they are taught a behaviour that there is a safe place to fall everytime they decide it’s too hard to take responsibility.

Your no, is the kindest most compassionate understanding gift you could ever give them.

We go through what we go through so we can help other’s through what we’ve been through.

If you are reading this and you are still at this point, you need to hear me when I say – DO NOT ROB OTHERS OF THEIR CHANCE TO GROW because you keep helping out when they can’t get it right.  Let me repeat that in another way:

When you continually help others who do not want to help themselves, when you take on other people’s burdens for them in an effort to release them from their suffering, albeit, usually for a small amount of time: YOU ROB THEM OF THEIR CHANCE TO GROW FROM THEIR EXPERIENCE.

Set them free to sort it out, without guilt or remorse, because your life will go like my friends, where your yes to someone else’s no will impact something really really important to you.  YES, this is my friend’s experience, yes she is handling it, yes she will come out the other side and yes she said no only a few short weeks ago, for the first time in 20 years. She will be fine.

All I could do was sit and listen to her pain and her awareness as to why.  The  toughest, most happy usually fall the hardest when they fall, so by me writing this it’s because I know Juli isn’t Robinson Caruso and that the one person also living this situation will read this and be able to free themselves from their experience which will be making the blood in their temples rush and be audible in their ears because they’ll be saying “this is my life.”  If this is you, I hope this has helped and thank you for reading today.

No accidents or co-incidences.


This is what Juli wrote to help her through what she is going through, because unlike me, she dealt with her anger in a different way, and she writes the healing side of her journey to help her cope:
http://julidubois.blogspot.com.au/2012/08/life-is-love-love-is-life.html



2 Comments

  1. Another great read! Hubs and I had to learn this with our children – we have 7 between us. at one point after a round robin of visiting 3 of our kids and each seemed to be a in a slightly worse situation than the one before and with us beoming mor depressed with each visit I said STOP. I pointed out to hubs that actually we had been through all of this ourselves when we were younger. It was ok for the kids to experience this stuff and there was no need for us to rescue them. Cue deep sigh of relief. And guess what? the kids are all doing fine – without our intervention. Lots of love but not contiually offering help does indeed let us all grow and flourish. thanks for the great reminder Amanda>

  2. Thank you Caitlin. We all fall into the trap of loving help, but just means taking away in some regards 🙂

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