Why all men are arseholes... - Amanda Foy

Why all men are arseholes…

Attention all men and women who are sexually active and if not would really like to be…first of all, sorry about the hideous generalisation on the title, but I need to grab some attention….stick with me and read this blog slowly and with every ounce of PTC – present time consciousness – you have.

I need you to spend a bit of time here with me in the name of research.

Recently, the self empowerment program I co-founded with a colleague and friend in the United States – The Goddess Imperative – evolved the radio show we do each week into discussions around sex and intimacy.

We knew that we would be opening a can of worms by doing it, but had agreed we’d be prepared to go where it will take things because it was time to get the discussion out on the table.

This is where I can definitely say that energy flows where energy goes, and the Universe – which loves speed – will show you things in your life that you haven’t healed and help you heal them.  You can read my blog on Rejection which took me 4 days from awareness to breakthrough and healing.

So, back to the radio show….since doing that, and especially last episode, I had a facebook friend and also industry colleague Krishna Everson from Healthy Marketing write a blog about her take on what we’d been speaking about in relation to the difference between bears and wolves.  Bears being a correlation in nature that they mate with many each season and people who aren’t monogamous. Wolves being a correlation in nature that they choose a mate and mate with them for life – so therefore monogamous.

A chap we also share blogs with also came into the discussion with a males perspective, which was truly an open, honest AND compelling read to understand his take on it.

He helped validate my opinion that a person might be classified a bear, but as a human they have the ability to choose to be a wolf.  You are only responsible for yourself and your decisions.

Then another blogger in my circles posted an article about re-building trust in a couples relationship. Do you think it is possible to re-build trust in an intimate relationship where one partner has sought intimacy outside of the relationship?

Then the last blog I read, which inspired me to write this blog smacks me in the forehead and my heart rate doubled I think.  This blog is written by a woman on Why Men Cheat and is my inspiration behind the title of this blog, because after reading it I got to validate my opinion that I had 18 years ago when I ended my relationship with my first husband because he just couldn’t keep it in his pants outside of our marriage.  

Please know that I do not share the opinion of the title of this blog anymore through the stellar amount of work I have done on self awareness, my own journey around why I attracted what I have into my life.


I would love to have an open and honest dialogue from all the men and women in my life about this topic.  I want to open up the Goddess Cafe Radio show to bring in these scenarios where people go into a situation where trust, communication and self awareness must be paramount.

I am coming from the premise that no one is perfect.  We’ve all made poor decisions at some point, and if you could have your time over again would you do it again the same way?  

I seek to understand what level of self awareness people are coming from when it comes to sex and intimacy. 

Is there a place for generalisation? 

Is it time for us to go ‘this is me’ and live in accordance with your truth and let other’s live in accordance with theirs?

Where do you stand on the topic?

Where do you fit into the big picture?

Let’s get this discussion going!!


  1. When we are younger, many of us tend to be a bit like bears in a shoe store, trying to find the right fit. Some of us have to “try on” many others know the right fit first time.
    It took me some time to find that right fit. I visited many different shoe stores tried on many pairs. Than I found that one. The one that is so comfortable that I could not even go into another shop.
    Did that make me a Tart in my younger days. Possibly, but I never flaunted my shopping around. I never boasted and many would never have known, the way I liked it to be. Did I hurt anyone? never intentionally. Did I have my heart broken, many times. I think it has made me stronger and gave me that ability to tell the right fit.
    Over time we have become more ok with exploring sexuality. But I think what is being lost is the art of discretion, in the way we dress and the way we conduct our affairs. All to often the gifts are on display without having needed to be unwrapped by that special someone.

    • Thank you for your wonderful comment Jodie. I am grateful for my shoe shopping and heart breaks because it set me up to be in the relationship I have been in for the last 14 years. I agree with you about discretion. I’m also hoping that as women go shopping that terminology around that behaviour drops to just being an avid shopper 😉

  2. Bears and Wolves….gay or straight….black or white…are we not all just the same being evolved to different levels with different opinions on all matter of things?

    What gives us the right to judge, predetermine or even comment on a persons sexual needs, desires or reality? We have no right to make pass judgment on others based on the other things I have mentioned above so why should this be any different?

    As someone who was once in a monogamous marriage for a long time I could have had the opinion that it is wrong to sex several sexual partners. As someone who was then single for a number of years, I felt it was right for ME to have several sexual partners along the way. As someone who is now in a marriage where one partner, due to medical reasosn, has no sexual interest or desire whatsoever, I am now faced with being a 40 something woman who isn’t having her sexual needs met…does that make it wrong for me to seek relief elsewhere? I have no idea but what I do know is that it would be wrong for someone who isn’t in my shoes to judge me on whatever my decision might be.

    • Hi Kate,
      You are so right in the judgement thing. This is what we are trying to achieve with the show to get people to remove the judgement. As with your last para, it’s a discussion worthy topic that because your partner now has a medical condition that your needs aren’t met? Has there been discussion about you still receiving attention or is there a mindset that you won’t ask because it’s not fair etc etc. I feel for you as a 40 something who has found a voice. x If you are free to call in to the radio show this week, you make a VERY VERY valid point. If you click on the link in this blog it’ll take you to the program. Wednesday if you are in Australia/New Zealand and Tuesday if you aren’t. 🙂

    • Hi Amanda,

      This is a topic very close to my heart and one I can soapbox about all day lol lol – would love to tune into the radio show – what time is it in Australia and how do I go about it. I’m working Wednesday morning so that might count me out but you just never ever know lol

      Thanks for your reply xx

    • HI Amanda,

      I will definitely be at work but you have my permission to use any of my comments.

      As for my situation, it has briefly been discussed but in a very off hand manner. Unfortunately my partner has never been one to enjoy a thriving sex life more through circumstance than choice and now with the medical side thrown in it is a very much take it or leave it situation. Add to that there is so obviously no sexual spark between us and you have to good friends sharing a house although technically married.

      Will I discuss it with him? No. Purely that I feel I am being greedy to ask for something that doesn’t obviously come naturally to him. Also, its more a mindset with me that if I have to ask then I can’t enjoy it as much as spontaneous sex (hope that makes sense).

      As someone who had her voice awakened whilst single it is a really tough situation to be in but one of my own making and one I must work through I’m afraid.

      Keep up the great work – you are truly inspirational!

    • Thank you Kate. I really appreciate it. Your honesty is amazing. I’ll come and post the radio show link for you to have a listen to on Wednesday. Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. It means a great deal.

  3. This blog post put me into such a place of “Wouldn’t it be nice…”, ala the Beach Boys.

    Wouldn’t it be nice if human sexuality didn’t have so much pain, shame and blame surrounding it? Wouldn’t it be nice if our individual sexuality was of no more note then the color of our eyes, the shape of our lips, the color of our hair, our height and so on? Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone realized that our individual sexuality was just as “natural” a part of how we were put together and born as our eye color? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could be as authentic in our sexuality as we are in how we think – for most of us don’t freely share our thoughts with every Tom, Dick or Harry (nor does every Tom, Dick or Harry have the “right” to question every thought we have) and the privacy of our sexuality was respected to the same degree as our rights to our own thoughts? Wouldn’t it be nice if our children stopped killing themselves over the pain, blame and shame they feel over their sexuality and its lack of allowance and acceptance throughout the world? Wouldn’t it be nice if no one felt they had to live a lie (for them) of being heterosexual, instead of bisexual or homosexual, in order to have what they truly desire – a spouse and children? Wouldn’t it be nice if “cheating” became obsolete, because it was okay for one person to be able to be open and honest with another about their sexual preference for multiple partners – without that same person having to try and convince themselves that the ONLY successful relationships are monogamous? Wouldn’t it be nice if never again did a person who was bisexual, homosexual, non-monogamous have to read or hear about how the only “natural” relationship is a monogamous relationship between partners of the opposite sex? Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone had more tolerance for those who are different from them, allowing others to be exactly who they really are without judgment and condemnation? Wouldn’t it be nice if this is the time on this planet when we realize there is no “cookie cutter”, “one size fits all” sexuality for human beings who are as completely and totally individual as their fingerprints?
    Wouldn’t it be nice if WE were the ones who transformed the pain, blame and shame surrounding sexuality -into allowance, acceptance and understanding? This mentality of a one size fits all sexuality has been around since the dawn of time. Just as has homosexuality, bisexuality and non-monogamous sexuality; Obviously it is not something that can be stamped out, beaten out, hung out, stoned out, ruled out, God-ed out, drowned out, ignored out – or in any other way be driven out of the human experience. If that were possible, with the price of being “different” sexually having been so high for so long, it would’ve happened already. Yet is hasn’t. If other forms of human sexuality, outside of the cookie cutter, one size fits all of monogamous heterosexuality, were in fact unnatural, wouldn’t it have been eliminated through centuries of deaths (stoning, hangings and being thrown in water to drown were common punishments for being found to have sex outside of marriage), dismemberments (in some countries homosexual or bisexual men were castrated if found out – (now… who of YOU know ANY man who’s willing to pay that kind of price for any behavior that is not of the utmost importance to him?!) and persecution? So, whose clueless now?

    Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t remain clueless any longer?

    Thank YOU for opening up the dialogue in this forum, Mz. Foy! It’s very important dialogue for us all to be having!


    • Juli, I’m going to copy and paste this as part II – thank you for buying in my beautiful partner in crime.

  4. Hi Amanda
    My mind has been totally taken over by this topic this week. I’m going to sit down with my husband and have a frank discussion. I really want to know where he stands on all this stuff! I’m not going to judge him, but I feel there is a conversation that has to be had. Not sure what it’s about or what it’s going to be. I just don’t want to be in an unsatisfying status quo because it’s hard to feel connected in that space. Anyway….thanks for giving us a forum to consider all this stuff! Blessings to you!! Krishna xxx

    • Krishna, this is music to my ears. That’s what the basis is of what we are doing. Open communication. My husband and I did this the minute we decided we were taking our 5 year friendship to the holding hands stage. It’s very important. Blessings to you dear woman – who would have thought that our friendship through an impersonal medium could have become like this so soon.
      Love Amanda x

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